I’d say if a 13 year old girl wants to look 18, makeup is the way to go. I haven’t been 13 in 15 years. Therefore, makeup does not equal the look I am going for.
For some reason, I had it in my head that purchasing a base/foundation liquid product would be good for the wedding pictures that will be taken at Tom and Emily’s wedding. Why am I so stupid sometimes? Why now, after all these years of not owning a base, would I think I need to begin? Perhaps because my recent discovery of coffee has made me want to branch out and see what other treasures I have been missing out on in life.
I made a trip to the Clinique counter today. Standing there, I experienced sensory overload, and was approached by one of the Clinique ladies. In addition to making me feel like an idiot for not knowing the difference between sheer and moderate bases, she convinced me to get a Macy’s card. I swear to Jebus that they emit some sort of drug into the air in malls that makes you temporarily an idiot. I mean, what’s it worth to save 15% on a purchase if you only visit that damn store twice a year to begin with? Yar. PLUS, I didn’t realize until after I left the mall that the address she used from my driver’s license was incorrect. If I’m lucky, they will send the bill to the apartment I haven’t lived in for 4 years, the mail people won’t forward it to me, and I will have credit collectors knocking on my door within the year. Or, I could be proactive and try to figure out how to update/cancel the card online. Hmm. So, when I was at the counter, she put a dab of foundation on the lower part of my cheek. I couldn’t tell that much of a difference, but it did seem to even out the appearance of my skin. I bought the “superbalanced makeup- 07 Neutral.”
I proceeded to finish up the rest of my errands around town on my day off from work. At one point I was very aware of the foundation swab on my face. That patch of skin basically felt like it could not breathe and was suffocating (similar to what my fingernails feel like when they have polish on). I immediately imagined that the circle of makeup on my cheek was super obvious to everyone I had to interact with and they probably wondered why I had a tan smudge on my face. I found myself trying to wipe away the stuff as I walked around, no mirror in sight to check the actual status of what my face looked like.
I am home now, and just tested out my new makeup for reals, on one side of my face. I have decided to return that bullshit in a bottle as soon as possible. It basically accentuates wrinkles and blackheads. Awesome, right? Seriously though, what the fuck? Forget “evening out” skin color. I don’t need to pay Clinique money to crucify my epidermis.
I was given a “gift box” for making my purchase today. The box is six inches tall, four and a half inches wide and 2 and a half inches deep. Its contents?
One .17 FL OZ sample of “superbalm moisturizing gloss.”
One .24 FL OZ sample of “turnaround concentrate.”
One .06 OZ sample of “high impact mascara.”
Now, besides being a ridiculously large box for these three tiny containers of nonsense, I was angered when reading the names of these products. They reminded me of the advertisements for skin products that I’ve come across in magazines.
Oil of Olay has this slogan that says, “Love the skin you’re in.” And then I read in between the lines and conclude that the love is conditional upon purchasing expensive moisturizers and cleansers. They have one product called “micro-sculpting cream.” Really? Like, tiny artists jump out of the cream and go to town, sculpting all sorts of artwork all over your skin? Their deep cleanser advertisement uses what seems to me as made up scientific talk. “The deep cleansers that get down to the microparticles of dirts...” I fucking hate when advertisers use scientific sounding language to validate their bullshit. Mostly because there have been numerous occasions where I’m all, “Ahhh, cool.” Then I slap myself upside the face for being a dumbass.
Then I found this ad for “Glowelle,” which is a beauty drink. The ad states, “Help fight the signs of aging with GLOWELLE beauty drink. Your skin needs more than just an anti-wrinkle cream.” Well, if people stopped using bullshit foundation, maybe they would be less aware of their wrinkles. These assholes go on to say, “One daily serving of GLOWELLE contains a proprietary blend of skin-beautifying antioxidants and proven natural ingredients like Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin E, Lycopene, Grape Seed Extract and Pomegranate Extract...” So impressive, right? So scientific! Who knew that vitamins were natural until these douche bags PROVED it?!
Sally Hansen has a “SPRAY-ON SHOWER-OFF HAIR REMOVER.” I absolutely have no idea what they are talking about when they celebrate their, “Unique 360 degree continuous spray for ultra-easy application...” This is perhaps the most lame attempt of sounding scientific that I have come across so far.
NIVEA’s ad just pisses me off. “NIVEA Good-bye Cellulite 30-Day Body Beauty Program. Its smoothing gel with L-Carnitine helps reduce the appearance of cellulite in four weeks. And the dietary supplement helps support lean muscle mass.” Mo’fo’s need to accept that cellulite is NATURAL. Let’s stop trying to overcompensate for poor character and uninteresting lives by convincing ourselves that cellulite free legs make the world a better place.
The advertisement I saw for JOHN FRIEDA shampoo and conditioner made me wish I was a filmmaker. Their ad states, “AWAKEN THE STRENGTH OF YOUR HAIR.” I mean really, how awesome would an animated short about a Bally’s Total Fitness for hair be? Pieces of hair running on the treadmill, sitting in the sauna, and bench pressing 100 times their weight? Of course there would have to be a scene where the main hair strand character gets grossed out by the shower drain that is clogged up by...I don’t know. What do hair strands shed?
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